A World Within Her Dreams

There are things not meant for mortal eyes. Online playground of a twisted soul. The fantasies of a little girl, all in one place. You have been warned.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Philippines License.

This blog and everything in it is my property otherwise noted. Read this disclaimer before anything else. I don't force you to read or agree with what I put or write here, so if you see something you don't like, you are more than welcome to close this window. Of course if you do see something you like, you're not allowed to copy, reproduce or take it without my consent—a simple tagboard message about it will do. Break these simple rules and you'll prove yourself to being the biggest ass in the world.

And please bear with the grammatical and typographical errors here. If there's one thing I hate aside from math and glue is copyreading, proofreading, or anything that has to do with checking whatever I've written, really.

The Unwakeable Dreamer

ユキ. Cattleya. Chantal. 17. Taurean. Vain. Narcissistic. Fangirl. Dreamer. Devious. Childish. Clumsy. Has an incredibly short attention span. Stubborn. Misunderstood. Roman Catholic. 大日本異端芸者; the GazettE worshipper. Undisputed HYDEist. Yaoi. Incest. Artist. Writer. Web/graphics designer. Otaku. RPer. Certified fangirl. Worth $2,135,822. II - ICTM. Hates Loathes anything Korean and hiphop.

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Yume no Naka's Perfect Moment

32nd layout of Yume no Naka. Features HYDE and his lyrics. Shades of blue, pink, white and lavender. Used Adobe Photoshop CS2 as the image editor. Coding was made on Notepad. Div layers. Some elements might not be compatible with IE. Best viewed in Mozilla Firefox with a 1024x768 screen resolution. Go to past layouts?

Resources for this layout were from the following: Cbox, Colorfilter, DaFont, iMood, Miss M, Photobucket, Selphie's World, Tabulas, and Tenshi no Koe.

And no, as much as I want to be, I am not associated with the sexy man in this layout. I am merely a fan and this is my expression of adoration to him.

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Sometimes things just go...

Down the hill. Lately I've been feeling very down, and I'm not being productive in the least. Days passed by with me just staring at the computer filled with useless things, regardless of the fact that I'm totally flunking my majors, and maybe a whole lot of my other subjects (not sure though because I think I'm doing pretty good at them, but I can never be sure). I don't know if it's just laziness or there's a lack of motivation, but the thing is, I don't know what I should do already, and it frustrates me a lot. When there's nothing on the internet that interests me I go frolicking all over it and eventually I do find something that would, and eventually I end up not doing things I utterly need to do. Then I cram like hell at school, because there at least I have the decency not to procrastinate because people are looking. I'm not even doing graphics, RPs, or writing.

And then I did Colorgenics and got this:

The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

You are a perfectionist in everything that you put your hand to. You are demanding and very exacting in the standards you apply to your choice of colleagues and friends -perhaps you demand too much from people. That perfection you seek in a particular person is illusive - perhaps it does not even exist.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.

I posted this in 「disorderHEAVEN」 already, actually. I guess I am feeling trapped. You know sometimes when I take a shower I do some emo contemplating, naked and head against the tiles of the bathroom wall (shut up, this is my blog and I can be as revealing as I well damn please), just thinking why I'm throwing my life, or at least my grades, away. If I don't do work, I flunk. If I try to do work, I just can't for some reason. And it really is causing me mental stress.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the right course that I chose because I'm not happy anymore. I don't know if I'm just too lazy to actually study, but really, I don't see myself doing this crap all my life. But the thing is, I don't see myself doing anything else either. A writer? Please, don't make me laugh. Hundreds of thousands other writers can very well kick my ass, and being a writer is just a dream that I delude myself with. Being a manager of some company... well, it is plausible, but with the leadership skills that I show right now, I'd have to say fat chance.

In a few months I'll be of legal age, and I have to admit I'm kind of scared. Too many responsibilities I probably won't be able to handle waits for me in the distance, I can feel it. I don't even know how to dry my hair properly, so I probably can't handle all these adult shit.

I can only pray to God he'd help me, but I'm not sure if He's answering me. I've always been a good listener, but now I'm doubting myself.

All that crap aside, I'd just like to say sorry for not visiting my links/f-list, I've just been that fucked up. Regardless, here are just some sites/accounts that you can visit/add/stalk me with:

Multiply: 「disorderHEAVEN」 - chantalnanoda.multiply.com
MySpace: myspace.com/yukichuu
Facebook: e-mail used - spammage[at]black-cherrie.org
Friendster: friendster.com/chantalette
Plurk (never on, hence the 0.00 karma, though I just wanted to add): yukichuu

New Y!M ID: xx_yukichuu
MSN: yukitenshi_kanna@hotmail.com (I might be changing this in a while, I'll keep you posted)

I need people to talk to me and maybe just be, you know, friends, but with the last sentence of my Colorgenics profile, I can't say I'm sure about that.

Regardless, I do have some things to smile about. Like the fact that my aunt's Christmas present for my is my Heresy fanclub membership, and some time this week I'll be receiving two more Neo Genesis magazines featuring, of course, Gazette.